Swimming in the Dark

The Wednesday after the party, Ludwik goes to see the professor, who tells him that his proposal is great but that the other candidates have connections that he doesn’t. He warns Ludwik that without a connection of his own, he will probably not be accepted. Later, at dinner, Hania and Maksio arrive in a foreign car. Ludwik is astounded by the richness of the food and clothes in the restaurant. He feels as though he is seeing an entirely new part of society. Maksio pays the bill at the end of the night, and they all smoke American cigarettes outside. Before they depart, Maksio and Hania invite Janusz and Ludwik to their country house that weekend.

As Ludwik and Janusz walk home, Ludwik tells him what the professor said. Janusz suggests that he ask Hania for help that weekend, as she likes him and can use her family connections in his favor. As the weekend approaches, Ludwik commits to asking Hania, though it makes him uncomfortable to do so. He calls Karolina but decides not to tell her about his situation, not wanting her to talk him out of it. He tells her instead that he has not met with the professor yet. He also calls Granny to say that he will be a PhD and not need her money anymore. She wants him to visit, and he promises that he will soon, once he is settled in the program.

The next day, Ludwik and Janusz join the siblings and Maksio’s girlfriend Agata in their black Mercedes and drive out to the house. When they arrive, Ludwik is in awe of its size, decadence, and large garden. Janusz and Ludwik share a room and Ludwik takes a bath and falls asleep in the hot water. When he wakes, he dresses and goes to the kitchen, where he sees Hania and Janusz speaking closely. That night, they all relax and one by one retire for the night until it is just Hania and Ludwik. When Janusz leaves, he hints to Ludwik that now is the time to ask her. Hania asks Ludwik if Janusz has another girl, and Ludwik begrudgingly tells her that he does not, though he cannot bring himself to ask her for her help.

The next morning, they all go for a hike, but Ludwik still cannot find a good moment to ask. Later in the day, Hania and Agata go out into the woods for a surprise while Maksio and Janusz play billiards. Ludwik explores the house and goes into their parents’ room. He is horrified to find a picture of their father, smiling, with Gierek, the First Secretary of the Polish United Workers’ Party and leader of Poland. He cannot fathom how they live like this while others suffer. After seeing this photo, he becomes even more uncomfortable asking for a favor.

With Hania and Maksio’s parents joining their group at the house the next morning, the siblings want to have a fun night. Hania makes zupa, poppy-stem soup, with poppies she and Agata collected. They all drink some and are soon very high. They play naked hide-and-seek outside. Ludwik feels intense love for Janusz, and they kiss while they hide. Maksio, the seeker, finds them and begins laughing, believing that it is a hallucination, though Janusz immediately separates himself from Ludwik and claims it is a joke. Ludwik, hurt, is the next seeker and finds Janusz and Hania having sex on the ground. He runs back to the house in a panic, where Maksio and Agata ask if he is all right. For the rest of the night, the only memory Ludwik has is of throwing up. He wakes the next morning with Janusz in the bed beside him. He packs his belongings, leaving the house behind. As he walks up the road, a limousine with the siblings’ parents passes him. Ludwik keeps walking until he finds a town. He goes into the church and joins the singing, crying as he does so.

Winter arrives, and Ludwik decides that he must leave Poland. He goes to the Passport Bureau, and when an official meets with him, he receives no warnings about defecting but is told instead that they know he is gay. Marian was arrested and gave Ludwik’s name to the police. Ludwik is not angry with Marian but upset and angry for him and for the injustice they face. The official tells Ludwik that he must give names if he wants the passport. He thinks briefly of naming Janusz before refusing. The official gives him two days to come up with names. For the first time while in public, Ludwik finds that he feels no shame.

When Ludwik finally goes to Janusz’s apartment, Janusz tells Ludwik that they were all worried for him and did not know where he went. Ludwik tells him that he did not like his reaction to Maksio finding them and that he found Janusz with Hania later that night. Ludwik tells Janusz that he is obtaining a passport and that he is going to leave. Janusz is crushed, and though Ludwik begs him to join him, Janusz refuses, believing he can live a good life in Poland. Ludwik compares them to the characters in Giovanni’s Room, saying that he does not want fear to influence their relationship. Janusz tells him to stop: “[Y]ou can’t make people love you the way you want them to” (178). Janusz tells him that he gets along well with Hania’s father and wants to move up in the Party. Ludwik refuses to engage with this and leaves, Janusz calling his name.

The next morning, Ludwik visits Hania. After she apologizes for the zupa, he tells her that the passport office is blackmailing him and asks for her help. She agrees to ask her father. Ludwik finds that she is genuine and that despite her relationship with Janusz, he does like her. She asks what they are blackmailing him for, and he admits to her that he is gay. It is the first time he has openly admitted it to anyone, and he feels free, the world not ending. She is very supportive and comforts him while he cries. As he leaves, she asks if he loves Janusz. He tells her that he does but that Janusz does not know. She is relieved.

In New York, Ludwik wakes on a Sunday and takes a walk. The miners are buried in Poland, and for once, he reaches Granny over the phone. She assures him that she is safe, but when he expresses feelings of homesickness and a desire to come home, she begs him to stay, saying that it is safer in the US.

Ludwik’s passport and visa arrive days after meeting with Hania. A few weeks later, he meets Karolina at the gay bar again. This time, however, he finally opens up about his sexuality and relationship with Janusz. When he tells her he is leaving, she cries, though she is happy for him. The day before he leaves, Ludwik sees Janusz and Hania in a bookstore. While Hania pays, Ludwik and Janusz step outside to smoke. They cannot find any words. Soon Hania returns, and they all part for the last time.

In New York, Ludwik reflects that he is not as lonely as he expected to be. He realizes that one cannot hide from one’s lies. After his first six months in the US, Karolina writes to him to say that Janusz and Hania are married and Hania is pregnant. Ludwik cries, lamenting the lost opportunity of their relationship and realizing that they were doomed to fail, never having any examples of happy gay relationships.

The day before Ludwik leaves for the US, Janusz sends back Giovanni’s Room with a note saying that he loves the book and asking Ludwik to bring it back someday, since Janusz will be there. Ludwik holds on to this idea that he can go back and that they can be together, but also realizes that life moves on. He goes back out into the street, hungry for Polish food, His hunger is not painful; instead, it feels like a promise.